It’s getting so much harder for me to keep on keeping on, even though I realize that the material is actually getting easier.
It’s like I cannot muster up the strength to get my brain to work and it’s so frustrating– so frustrating to keep on disappointing people when on the outside, I don’t even have an excuse or anything to complain about, except the fact that I’m so bloody tired.
It upsets me to think that I write here on my blog now because it’s the only “safe” place for me. It’s like a cry for help- to want my thoughts to be out there, but at the same time, in a not-so-visible platform. These are thoughts I definitely cannot air out on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, partly because they’re infested with well-wishers who try their best to make you feel better but somehow end up making you feel worse. And then you feel even more sorry because you know their words come from a good place, but why does it only annoy you? (At this point, I don’t even know what I want anymore, honestly)
Sometimes I wonder if this is a manifestation of something far worse inside of me, but I’ve read stuff about those and I don’t feel the overwhelming, crushing feeling of the Grim or the needless tossing-and-turning, or the I-can’t-feel-anything feelings. I’m just so spent and I’m so tired of making excuses for myself and I’m scared that I’m running out of gas for this long drive. And I’m not even sure I like the destination anymore.
I’ve decided to accept the reality of my being—for now, at least. Right now, I’m just one of countless med students struggling to cope with sleep deprivation and academics. I’m one of the countless students who are not sure if they should leave the profession. I’m one of countless lost souls trying to figure out if they like what they’re doing.
Nonetheless, I’ve decided to have a positive outlook for now and just recognize how lucky I am that I’m still here. I know a lot would kill for where I am.
I will strive to remain #hearthappy until I can no longer bear it.
I’ve been listless the past couple of weeks, and no matter what I do, I just can’t get back to the groove of being a med student.
Over Christmas break, I took a week to travel to Siem Reap and Phnom Penh in Cambodia, and to Saigon in Vietnam. I thought that a vacation was just the thing I needed to set my mind straight on focusing on med school, but I think I was mistaken.
Over that week, I met people who showed me that it was possible to put your life on pause and travel the world to gain perspective. And if it’s one thing I’m sure I’m missing, it’s that. Perspective.
This piece is very spur of the moment, and so I’m not sure if I really want to expound on that bit. Maybe a part of me is afraid that if I explore that thought, I won’t be able to follow through on my commitment to be a doctor. And maybe the fact that I was able to write that just now tells me something that I’m not quite sure I’m ready to admit—to myself and to the world.
I found some cherry blossoms from last year’s Japan trip. We went during sakura season so the sakura were all in full bloom. It’s frowned upon in Japan (and frankly, should be everywhere else in the world) to pick blossoms from the trees, so I just took them from the ground. These were some of the ones that weren’t trampled completely. I remember putting them into this notebook so that I can have pressed blossoms, but I completely forgot about them until tonight.
I feel like seeing the blossoms again is sort of poetic, since I’ll be leaving home again in a few days to explore a familiar, but still fairly new place. The greatest city in the world awaits me. Time for a new adventure.