It’s getting so much harder for me to keep on keeping on, even though I realize that the material is actually getting easier.
It’s like I cannot muster up the strength to get my brain to work and it’s so frustrating– so frustrating to keep on disappointing people when on the outside, I don’t even have an excuse or anything to complain about, except the fact that I’m so bloody tired.
It upsets me to think that I write here on my blog now because it’s the only “safe” place for me. It’s like a cry for help- to want my thoughts to be out there, but at the same time, in a not-so-visible platform. These are thoughts I definitely cannot air out on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, partly because they’re infested with well-wishers who try their best to make you feel better but somehow end up making you feel worse. And then you feel even more sorry because you know their words come from a good place, but why does it only annoy you? (At this point, I don’t even know what I want anymore, honestly)
Sometimes I wonder if this is a manifestation of something far worse inside of me, but I’ve read stuff about those and I don’t feel the overwhelming, crushing feeling of the Grim or the needless tossing-and-turning, or the I-can’t-feel-anything feelings. I’m just so spent and I’m so tired of making excuses for myself and I’m scared that I’m running out of gas for this long drive. And I’m not even sure I like the destination anymore.
I am often asked why I chose psychiatry as my specialty, yet as one of my readers pointed out, I’ve never described my reasoning in a blogpost! So here goes my short story of why I chose the path to become a psychiatrist…
The time to solidify your choice in medical specialty and apply for residency training programs occurs during the Fall of the 4th (and final) year of medical school. Students have various reasons for choosing a specific specialty, some knowing which specialty they wanted to go into since childhood, others typically contemplative until right before application season. Some people even change their minds in the midst of residency training and decide to switch specialties.
As a medical student, I attended most class lectures, yet spent majority of the time passively writing notes while chatting on instant messenger. However, when it came to psychiatry, I woke up every morning with excitement to attend each lecture (quite unheard of since…
It would be ironic if this were the opposite way around as it is my brain giving up and my heart cheering it on. And doubly so, since we’re now nearing the end of our first year in med school with the Neurosciences module.
Konting kayod na lang, 2020! We’ve still got a long way ahead of us. #TwenfinityAndBeyond 💕
I have to present a report on Jose Rizal’s “The Indolence of the Filipino People” in a few minutes and here I am, writing. Just my way of calming my nerves, I guess. I always did have a hard time with public speaking.
It’s been so long and lots of things have changed…
1) I’ve finally accomplished most of my commitments for last school year (Remember that post where I was listing down everything I’ve got to do? (Almost) Dunzo.)
2) I scored 99 in my NMAT! (The real question is: field of research or field of medicine?)
At least now I know that I’m eligible for any medical school in the country where that’s concerned… Now let’s see if my grades are eligible hahaha but that’s a story for another time.
3) I ran for and won the elections for President of my organization, UP Molecular Biology and Biotechnology Society! Be sure to LIKE our Facebook page (UP MBBS) and follow our Twitter (@upmbbs) for updates!
4) I have a dog!!!!!! Meet my baby, RKIP ❤
It’s short for Raf kinase inhibitory protein but let’s not get into that.
Okay, so not a lot has changed after all. Still seems that way, though, especially with numbers 3 and 4.
Still wondering when I will finally be comfortable enough in public to let my freak flag fly, though…
… and whether to go elsewhere for a vacation during the 2 months left in the extended summer vacay (YES YOU HEARD READ THAT RIGHT, WE HAVE A FOUR-MONTH VACATION!!!) or to stay in the city for yet another bout of summer classes…