It’s getting so much harder for me to keep on keeping on, even though I realize that the material is actually getting easier.
It’s like I cannot muster up the strength to get my brain to work and it’s so frustrating– so frustrating to keep on disappointing people when on the outside, I don’t even have an excuse or anything to complain about, except the fact that I’m so bloody tired.
It upsets me to think that I write here on my blog now because it’s the only “safe” place for me. It’s like a cry for help- to want my thoughts to be out there, but at the same time, in a not-so-visible platform. These are thoughts I definitely cannot air out on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, partly because they’re infested with well-wishers who try their best to make you feel better but somehow end up making you feel worse. And then you feel even more sorry because you know their words come from a good place, but why does it only annoy you? (At this point, I don’t even know what I want anymore, honestly)
Sometimes I wonder if this is a manifestation of something far worse inside of me, but I’ve read stuff about those and I don’t feel the overwhelming, crushing feeling of the Grim or the needless tossing-and-turning, or the I-can’t-feel-anything feelings. I’m just so spent and I’m so tired of making excuses for myself and I’m scared that I’m running out of gas for this long drive. And I’m not even sure I like the destination anymore.
Here it is. The culmination of four years of sleepless nights and hard work. The ups and downs were worth it. I failed a lot, and I learned a lot more, and I was happy most of the time, which is all anybody can really ask for.
“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” This quote is something that I really 100% thought about a lot. Because there were a lot of times when I felt inadequate next to my colleagues, when I felt belittled and inferior, and I just generally thought of myself as not being good enough. But then I learned that it shouldn’t be about comparing yourself to others, but comparing yourself to you. I really believe that you are your own greatest enemy, and the best thing I can say about myself is being able to control, rather than conquer, that idea.
In the end, there’s nothing you can do except be the best you that you can be.
The past four years was an uphill battle for me, and there are a lot of people I owe this victory to.
1. My family, for their unending support.
2. My college batchmates, iMBBa 2015, for being my comrades in the journey, for being the best people to go on this journey with, for giving me a good time in the midst of the flurry of papers, exams, reports, and whatnot, and for teaching me so many things (both academic and not). I will miss seeing you guys often!
3. My high school friends for keeping me sane and grounded. Naomi, Dindin, Kat, Shen, Joni, Berty, Czai, and the rest of Onse… you guys, you’re the only ones I can really just be myself with. Let’s keep this friendship strong until we’re old and wrinkled.
4. UP MBBS for everything. Working for the org and with the people in it really taught me a lot and made me grow leaps and bounds. I gotta say, having the burden of responsibility and the gift of leadership on my shoulders for the past year was one of the things that I can truly say changed me for the better. I hope I showed the value of leading by example instead of by force, and I hope that my members learned as much from me as I did for them.
5. UP CSSC ’13-’14, for giving me the chance to serve my institute and the College of Science. It was a blast working and learning with you guys. UBE soon! Siyentista ng bayan, para sa bayan!
6. The NIMBB senior faculty, junior faculty, and research associates, for teaching me and molding me into being the scientist that I am today. To PSILab, thank you for the knowledge, the great thesis experience, and for giving me a family in MBB. The NIMBB admin and staff, for always being kind to me and helping me whenever I need it.
It’s been a blast, UP. Thank you for everything. Sa wakes, sumablay na din ako!
1. It’s okay to be scared. You’re going to be tempted to put a brave face on in front of everyone you know. But as all the clichés have told us across time, being brave isn’t about not have fears, it’s about acknowledging that you do, and facing them anyway.
2. You don’t need to have it all figured out. Whenever we are fast approaching the end of an experience, it can feel like if you don’t have every last detail figured out, things are not going to work out. Well, take it from someone who went from having everything figured out to having nothing figured out in my final semester, the latter is way more interesting.
3. Be prepared but be flexible. You’re making plans, you’re sending out applications, and going on interviews. Or maybe you’re much further than many and you’ve got the job, the city…
I have to present a report on Jose Rizal’s “The Indolence of the Filipino People” in a few minutes and here I am, writing. Just my way of calming my nerves, I guess. I always did have a hard time with public speaking.
It’s been so long and lots of things have changed…
1) I’ve finally accomplished most of my commitments for last school year (Remember that post where I was listing down everything I’ve got to do? (Almost) Dunzo.)
2) I scored 99 in my NMAT! (The real question is: field of research or field of medicine?)
At least now I know that I’m eligible for any medical school in the country where that’s concerned… Now let’s see if my grades are eligible hahaha but that’s a story for another time.
3) I ran for and won the elections for President of my organization, UP Molecular Biology and Biotechnology Society! Be sure to LIKE our Facebook page (UP MBBS) and follow our Twitter (@upmbbs) for updates!
4) I have a dog!!!!!! Meet my baby, RKIP ❤
It’s short for Raf kinase inhibitory protein but let’s not get into that.
Okay, so not a lot has changed after all. Still seems that way, though, especially with numbers 3 and 4.
Still wondering when I will finally be comfortable enough in public to let my freak flag fly, though…
… and whether to go elsewhere for a vacation during the 2 months left in the extended summer vacay (YES YOU HEARD READ THAT RIGHT, WE HAVE A FOUR-MONTH VACATION!!!) or to stay in the city for yet another bout of summer classes…
Lately, my definition of ‘writing’ has become an uncertainty of where to begin the tedious task of trying to understand what the hell is going on inside my over analytical mind. Where does one begin to describe a series of events that we so easily lump together in a simple word: “life”? I’ve found the majority of my existence has been spent thinking about my past. especially the most extreme ends of the spectrum of emotion. The rest of my time I’ve wasted wondering and creating anxieties over what hasn’t occurred yet. Why is it, that we, as humans, fret so much about what has already happened, can’t be changed and what has yet to come? I constantly push myself in the direction of living in the moment; enjoying the little beauties that are directly in front of my furrowed eyes. Yet, as I grow older, I find this task…
Sending help is easy! In fact it’s in your hands. It’s just a text away. Text RED<space>AMOUNT to 2899 (Globe) or 4143 (Smart)
There are many ways to help:
Many establishments are accepting donations in cash or in kind. Some even hold fundraisers, pledging to donate their profits for a day for the victims of Yolanda. If you live near UP, there are relief centers in the Kalayaan Residence Hall, College of Engineering Basketball Court, and Vinzons Hall, where you can drop off your donations. You can even volunteer in the sorting and packing of goods! Here’s a list of what is most needed at the moment:
Food (canned or packed)
Blankets and/or Comforters
Take care, everyone, and let’s continue to help out in any way we can. Don’t forget to pray for the safety and welfare of those affected. Hope this serves as an eye-opener about the very real and very threatening effects of climate change–we have to work to save the environment NOW!