* SPOILER ALERT *
I’m now at the fourth story arc of W.I.T.C.H. magazine series (#37: The Dispute) where Endarno, The Keeper of the Tower of Mists, puts the Oracle on trial. I was struck by the part wherein the Oracle says that despite being on trial where he is most probably going to be ‘convicted’, what’s closest to his heart is still the serenity, the balance, and the peace of Kandrakar and all the worlds under its protection.
Maybe it’s because I’m human and the Oracle of Kandrakar is a superior being, or maybe it’s because I’ve been watching too much of Suits (is there such a thing?), but I thought that nobody could ever be that selfless, that nobody could ever not think of themselves first in a trial meant to convict you. And if they were, how is one sure that it was what he or she really felt?
I guess you can call it an epiphany for me, but I suddenly thought about what it means to know what is closest to your heart. As long as I’ve lived (which isn’t that long, if you think about it), I’ve always viewed “look into yourself” and “listen to what your heart tells you” and other adages similar to those two as going inside my thoughts and looking for what I seek… THAT SOUNDED SO VAGUE. Let me try again:
I visualize my thoughts as a maze, and whenever someone tells me to “look into yourself” or “listen to your heart”, I find myself inside that maze, wandering about until I stumble into what I find. But that’s just the thing—that’s why it won’t work for me. I can’t find them in the maze. I keep getting distracted by other ornaments, other memories, or I keep running into dead ends. I think, ultimately, that’s the reason why I CAN’T ANSWER when someone says something that makes me question whether or not I know myself.
I eventually realized (just right now) that whenever I talk to myself inside my head (or rather, the angel and devil on my shoulders), that that was it. That was already me looking inside myself, trying to find something worthwhile, trying to find myself, trying to see if I do have all the answers to my problems, as the movies say (dramaaaaaaaa).