{WARNING: Sorta cheesy post with a lot of feels}

I was watching Glee’s Tribute to Cory Monteith episode last night for the third time, and I found myself bawling non-stop throughout the episode. But I’m not writing here again after ~3 years just to say that. No.

I know I haven’t written here for the longest time, but I just didn’t know where I would let this all out otherwise. I’m not sure if it was Artie and Sam’s cover of James Taylor’s Fire and Rain or Santana’s cover of The Band Perry’s If I Die Young, but then I got to thinking about my own life and my own relationships with my friends and family.

I was a freshman the last time I posted here. My first few posts were from my high school senior year. Things seemed so sunny then. And they were, for a while. But then I met new friends and my schedule got so messed up and     

I really don’t know how to start. I only did this once before and that was during the grade school to high school jump. Now, my grade school days were utter rubbish and I knew for certain that I won’t miss anyone there, and counting the fact that I was still taking some grade school batch mates with me to high school, it didn’t really hurt me. Yeah, I know, I’m not making any sense, but here comes the bomb: I never turned back. I never did beyond the occasional Facebook like, etc. etc. Never comments and chats, for sure. “Best friends”, colleagues, teachers — I forgot them all. And for a time, I was proud about it, that I was able to put it all behind me and start afresh.

To be fair, high school really gave me that. A fresh start, despite the fact that there were a few who knew about my messy friendships in the past. I found new friends, definitely, but most important — I found myself. I found a caring, happy, cheerful, supportive girl as opposed to the selfish bitch I was convinced I was during grade school. The people around me were cheering me on instead of putting me down, talking to me and listening when before nobody gave a rat’s ass. I felt appreciated. I felt loved. That was why I told myself I wouldn’t do to them what I so willingly did to my grade school batch mates. I wouldn’t leave them hanging. I envisioned a lifetime with these people around me, and I thought nothing would ever beat it.

But I guess I can’t help it that it’s the only thing I know how to do.

Fast forward to two and a half years later and here I am. I found family again with my college bloc-mates and although not all of us are as close as me and my pals from high school, it was alright. I have a select group of friends who I can talk to naturally, comfortably, without pretence. For a while, it was enough. But then the cracks that I ignored came to the surface, and I realized that it was not as flawless as I thought. Suddenly, I feel like I’m not one of them, that I’m misplaced, unappreciated.

This was when I realized that I was not paying attention to my high school friends anymore. When before, I’d see my closest friends daily or weekly at the most, now I don’t see them for entire semesters or school years. I keep reasoning to myself that so much has changed. We all changed. But now, I see that this shouldn’t be a hindrance, because we were a family. And “family never gets left behind, nor forgotten”. Apparently, I was probably one of the few (or actually, the only one) who thought this way, because I still see them interacting in Facebook and Twitter. It’s just that I can’t seem to convince myself to join in because it feels so superficial to me now. {What is wrong with me?}

Which brings us back to my dilemma right now. I’ve been expertly pushing everyone I care for outside of my family that now I’m afraid that when I die, nobody is gonna miss me. Sure, people are going to notice, but I don’t really think anyone will take the time and for example, get a tribute done for me or post yearly on my Facebook wall about how much they miss me. I’m afraid, that even though I try my hardest to be everybody’s rock and column of support and be their bright ray of sunshine and be the person who never gets mad or sad and the person who everybody can say everything to, that in the end, nobody will remember me.

And that’s why I’m writing now. That’s why I’m writing here, and not on Tumblr or Twitter or Facebook. Because I know nobody will read it here.

A penny for my thoughts, oh, no, I’ll sell ’em for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin’

– If I Die Young, The Band Perry


Author: Tracey Yap

Rantings of a raving med student

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